A Solid Love of Self

Im worried that if I try to be better I might fail.
I am worried about the prospect of not being bigger than my circumstance, situation, job, finances, insecurities,  
expectancy to fuck up 
or to be screwed, 
habitual tendency to beat the shit out of myself
I worry that I am not the whole, funny, secure, beautiful, tall, vibrant, intelligent, nurturing, self made chick, that I rock all day
that I am less than her so much more less than her
I worry they will see how small I really feel
in the linings of my life in the not done's or do over's, in the divorces, and the mistakes 
Im a bit worried but mostly ready
ready to shed this doubt and put on some tougher skin
to trade it in
for a solid love of self.

KOMA

Today is different, today I understood the way my heart beats, the way my voice trembles, I could feel things about myself that I have not had the pleasure or the time to feel. I stopped seeing in color. I've missed so many things these past three decades on earth. I don't know if I forgot or if I just didn't want to feel or smell or taste things, people, life. But at some point pretty early in my life I withdrew, not in my presence but in experiencing the presence of everything else. I still gave of myself, sometimes to a dangerous depleting end but I still did. I still encouraged others sometimes a day after I wrestled with giving up myself. I still worked and excelled in whatever was thrown at me (literally) but my heart didn't beat for it. I even got married, cause I was supposed to, not a shocker but should have been a sign! I didn't see it though, cause I still ran when I could, it may have been a year later when I saw the door left open and leaped, baby in hand. I still raised my children but felt mostly exhausted, is there something else to feel, yes, I realize that now. I've decided that I want to smell the smells I did as a young child, I want the smell of washing clothes and dryer vents to make me sleepy and I want to use paints with my fingers and I want to blush, giggle and laugh until you find me holding my sides underneath the kitchen table. Oh I am going to really laugh again, and I will get excited about it all the small and the big. I will hug my kids, like I do, but this time I will feel them hug me back and I will thank them for it and I will tell myself I deserve it. I will kiss and if I don't feel a kiss back I will not kiss him again. I've decided I will regain consciousness.