KOMA

Today is different, today I understood the way my heart beats, the way my voice trembles, I could feel things about myself that I have not had the pleasure or the time to feel. I stopped seeing in color. I've missed so many things these past three decades on earth. I don't know if I forgot or if I just didn't want to feel or smell or taste things, people, life. But at some point pretty early in my life I withdrew, not in my presence but in experiencing the presence of everything else. I still gave of myself, sometimes to a dangerous depleting end but I still did. I still encouraged others sometimes a day after I wrestled with giving up myself. I still worked and excelled in whatever was thrown at me (literally) but my heart didn't beat for it. I even got married, cause I was supposed to, not a shocker but should have been a sign! I didn't see it though, cause I still ran when I could, it may have been a year later when I saw the door left open and leaped, baby in hand. I still raised my children but felt mostly exhausted, is there something else to feel, yes, I realize that now. I've decided that I want to smell the smells I did as a young child, I want the smell of washing clothes and dryer vents to make me sleepy and I want to use paints with my fingers and I want to blush, giggle and laugh until you find me holding my sides underneath the kitchen table. Oh I am going to really laugh again, and I will get excited about it all the small and the big. I will hug my kids, like I do, but this time I will feel them hug me back and I will thank them for it and I will tell myself I deserve it. I will kiss and if I don't feel a kiss back I will not kiss him again. I've decided I will regain consciousness.